CHICAGO - MARCH 15: Transportation Security Administration (TSA) officers staff a checkpoint at O'Hare International Airport on March 15, 2010 in Chicago, Illinois. Today TSA personnel are scheduled to begin using the Backscatter Advanced Imaging Technology full-body scanners at the airport. Twenty airports nationwide are now using full-body scanners. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

... My professorial intellectualising didn’t help much the first time I had to shadow a TSO named Lance, a hard-working bodybuilder so thick with muscle that he had to walk through the scanner sideways. He showed devotion to all the rules, held at least one other security job, and went to night school.

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When he wasn’t working or studying, he was watching cop shows, preparing himself for the latest threats. In other words, he was a true believer with big aspirations in the security field. Only a fool would have tried to get in his way. When he watched me perform a pat-down, I flubbed my lines and forgot to check the passenger’s feet. Lance was not impressed. “That being-nice stuff,” he said, “you have to let that go.”

The next time I was paired with Lance, he focused harder on my pat-down technique. Again, he was not impressed. “Have you been practising your verbiage at home?” he asked.

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“Not really.”

“It’s a yes or no question,” he said.

I felt like a student woefully unprepared for class. “No,” I admitted.

He shook his freshly shaved head and went over to speak to the supervisor. When he returned, he led me off to the side of the checkpoint and told me to practise a pat-down on him. A few of the other officers and officers-in-training glanced our way. I noticed a few passengers watching, too.

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“Do the whole script,” Lance said.

“Can you see your belongings,” I began, “or would you like me to bring them over here?”

“You need to enunciate better,” Lance said.

“I’m going to use my hands to pat down the clothed areas of your body. I’ll use the backs of my hands on the sensitive areas, the buttocks and the zipper line. I’ll be clearing your collar and your waistline with two fingers. And I’ll be clearing each inner thigh, sliding up until I reach resistance.”

“Say it like you mean it,” Lance said. “You need to do pat-downs like they mean what they’re supposed to mean. Every pat-down is done to make sure the person in front of you is not a risk, right?”

I nodded and went on, nervous, wondering if my job was on the line. “Do you have any internal or external medical devices? Do you have any painful or tender areas on your body? Do you have absolutely everything out of your pockets?”

“This is your house,” Lance said, echoing one of Steven’s opening lines.

“A private screening is available if you’d prefer. You can request one at any time.”

“Go ahead,” he told me.

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